Now and again, even our ample resources and vast network of informers, not to mention our own sharp eyes, are not sufficient to really get the full story of a certain tawdry escapade. Sometimes, even we must make do with rumors and guesswork. When it comes to the lives of those who tread the boards on Drury Lane, we are most definitely in the dark (not being among those who share the idea that ladies and gentlemen should mingle with actresses and actors! The idea!), and thus must hear of the scandalous goings-on therein from wherever we can, which brings us to the introduction of our guest-columnist. A rabidly curious young chap from the Whitechapel district, our little friend is as hungry for gossip as he is...well, hungry. With a vocabulary that belies his stature, here is the story of the shocking event the young fellow witnessed at the latest play...
"When a traveling theater troupe did the Scottish play, I couldn't stand how unbearably funny it was. It wasn't because of the script that made it funny, but the reason the play was canceled. As everybody left because of the news, I went backstage to see what the fiddle was [Note: "what's that fiddle" is a charming local turn of phrase in the Whitechapel district]. And to my great surprise, it was the lead actress, stuck in the doorway because of her bumbling bustle. "This bloody thing is always canceling plays!" I heard the actress say [Note: we apologize for the appalling language--actresses, and indeed our young informant, have notoriously shocking tongues]. I would tell you what else she said, but some things she said would probably be unappropriate for children under twenty-five [Thank goodness the child has some sense of propriety!].
The solution of all this was to have a rope tied around her waist and have eighteen men heave for twenty-four minutes until she was free."
Well! What a lot we miss when we swear off the theater!
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